It feels we’ve waited a dozen Long Nights for the Game of Thrones Season 7 premiere, but the summer is finally upon us, children!
Yes, we’re exactly one month away from one of the most highly-anticipated episodes of television since that Happy Days where Fonzie demonstrated to the world that water-skiing in a leather jacket is not only possible, but a good and cool thing to do.
Hopefully there won’t be any shark jumping this time around, but if creators D.B Weiss and David Benioff decide to bring Ramsay Bolton back just to have him devoured by beasts again, we’d be cool with that.
Okay, you’ve sat through the long-winded throat-clearing sesh worthy of GRRM himself, now it’s time for what you really came for:
Yes, we’re talking spoilers, so don’t read any further and then complain in the comments if you don’t want to know what’s in store.
We’re sending up more red flags than a Lannister army here, so you’ll have no one to blame except yourself.
As in years past, the show’s creators have done their damnedest to keep major developments under wraps, and for the most part, they’ve done an impeccable job.
But this is 2017, and online GoT obsessives are like Lord Varys, but with much, much greater interest in porn.
As a result, the little birds have come home to roost, and it looks like we now have several pieces of potentially game-changing information about the upcoming season:
The leaks started back in November, when a Reddit user posted what he claimed was the entire plot of Game of Thrones Season 7.
Obviously, we have no way of knowing if his information is accurate, but the two new details that emerged this week are a little easier to fact-check:
First, bad news for people who like bad dudes:
Word on the web is that Littlefinger’s nefarious deeds finally catch up with him, and he gets iced in Season 7.
Not exactly a stunner, of course, as with all the double-crossing he’s gotten away with, Lord Baelysh has been a marked man for quite some time now.
The most convincing evidence for the theory that Littlefinger is headed for the big brothel in the sky comes from a recent cover of Entertainment Weekly, which shows Arya Stark rocking what appears to be Baelish’s Valyrian steel dagger.
It seems unlikely that he would simply hand it over without a fight, so in all likelihood, either ruthless killing machine Arya takes him out, or someone else does and gives her the blade as a gift.
Either way, RIP, Lord Baelish.
You certainly kept things insteresting.
This week’s other major spoiler concerns the Boy Who Lived (after he died) King in the North Jon Snow:
In the Game of Thrones Season 6 finale, some of our longstanding questions about Jon’s past and parentage were answered.
Now, according to a leaked page from an upcoming issue of Empire magazine, we’re soon to learn a lot more about The Man Who Knows Nothing.
The page reads:
“As we saw in the last episode of season 6, Bran’s psychic time-traveling ‘green sight’ revealed the true nature of Jon’s birth heritage and his real name: Jaehaerys Targaryen.
‘Bran’s now in this precarious situation in which it’s just him and Meera, and he has all of this information that could change the entire story,” said [Bran actor] Isaac Hempstead Wright. And it’s not just about Jon. ‘He knows all about the White Walkers too.’
Jarhaerys Targaryen I, known as “the Old King,” sat atop the Iron Throne longer than any other Targaryen momarch.
He’s remembered in Westeros as a wise and just king who butted heads with the dangerous Faith Militant (the High Sparrow’s be-robed douche bags).
Lyanna Stark naming her son after one of the most revered figures in Targaryen history would support the fan theory that she was in love her supposed kidnapper (and Jon’s father) Rhaegar Targaryen.
All of this, of course, would have huge implications with regard to where the story is headed from here.
So there you have it.
Two of this season’s biggest surprises effectively ruined.
As always, you can watch Game of Thrones online at TV Fanatic, to try and puzzle out more spoilers, so as to suck the remaining fun of watching the story as it unfolds.